Day 32 Lock-Down
Every living organism has a mechanism to protect itself from harm or threat, from the classic fight-or-flight response, to the more subtle: withdrawal, camouflage, external armour, repellent spray, group safety, etc. These days, our dangers are not primarily physical, no sabre-toothed tigers or warring tribes after us. Yet we go through our days with defenses up: game faces on, bluffs at the ready, jokes and pat answers prepared, because the biggest risk is truth. The biggest gamble, intimacy.
We’ll do almost anything to protect ourselves from vulnerability, but the fact is, we all go through periods of failure, humiliation, gross errors of judgement, uncertainty, ridiculousness, grief, crap-your-pants terror, and, the worst of all:
An audience for our shame.
I’ve been thinking about this kind of stuff lately, and apparently that’s not unusual at this stage of a yoga challenge. Some people, I’ve heard, react on an emotional level to this deeper physical work. Opening up, as it were, from bones to skin.
We’re talking tears. I’m a cry-er at the best of times. The worst of times? Watch out. I was dehydrated before the opening credits of PS: I Love You had finished scrolling. I will NEVER watch City of Angels again. I’ve wept my way through books, conversations, therapy sessions, solitary walks, funerals (of course), weddings (not all tears are sad tears). So yeah, I’ve felt a little teary lately.
I find myself craving intimacy, while being too tired or sore, or afraid, to let down my guard enough to seek it out. It’s so hard to trust that the people around us won’t hurt us. It’s easier to pretend we don’t care, that it doesn’t matter, that we never expected more anyway.
So we laugh it off, send back a “joke” in return. We pull up our armour, tighten our masks and tell ourselves we’re tough, we can take it. Only we can’t, not always, and when we pretend, something inside us withers just a little. We go into lock-down.
Trust is hard for good reason. We’re a thoughtless, self-centered, and sometimes mean-spirited species, and yes, we do stuff in our worst moments that we’re ashamed of in our best moments.
But we’re also kind. We can be, at least.
It’s another type of risk, kindness, but it can break the cycle of mistrust, chip away a little bit of the armour that keeps us from seeing each other. Like a warm bath for sore muscles, kindness eases the armour loose, until it drops away and we can face each other in all our warts and wrinkles, our failings and weaknesses.
Free. Honest. Real.
Day 31 And Now For Something Completely Different…
I’m off to a morning class, but this is in honour of my hubby, who’s taken the plunge into, wait for it: FACEBOOK.
Yes, the “never, never” man couldn’t stand being left out anymore.
You’ll like this, it’s called Failbook, a riff on the funniest or stupidest Facebook profiles. Enjoy!
Day 30 I’d Like to Thank the Academy…
I did it, folks! I DID IT!!
30 classes in 30 days, which is more consistent exercise than I’ve had in, well, ever. And 30 blog posts in 30 days, which is more consistent writing than I usually do, at least without a contract.
I don’t know which one is more significant for me. Some of you know the struggles and disappointments I’ve faced in the last few years. Publishing is a fickle business and there’s only so much you can control. They say the ones who make it are the ones who just hang in there long enough for the competition to give up, or die. So I’m hanging in there, by my fingernails some days, hoping to outwit, outplay, outlast. And from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for joining me on this journey because above everything else we writers want – fame, fortune, multi-book deals and covers that don’t embarrass us – we need readers. The 1000 true fans who keep on believing in us even when we suck. Thank you for reading my words. (And an especially big shout-out to those of you who’ve commented, linked, forwarded and hit the “like” button. Love you, Tracy-girl!)
Sniff. Okay, enough of that.
And now an announcement: I’m doing it AGAIN. Yes, I’ve extended my 30-Day Challenge to a 60-Day Challenge. (Which means I’m already half-done, bwah-ha-ha!) I figure, with this weather, I can’t work in the yard, so for now, I might as well stick with the hot room.
Ach der lieber. Some days I scare myself.
For anyone who’s still interested, I’ll do a tally of results and goals tomorrow.