Day 89 & 90 Still on Track! And Inner Conflict…
Yes, that means I did a double day on Friday. It was a calculated risk; at the 9:15 am class, I noticed it didn’t feel as hot as it sometimes does.
“The heater’s not working right,” explained Dan. “It’ll be fixed on Monday.”
Hm, I thought. This is about the best chance I’ve got to do another class in a day without killing myself. So I went back for 3:30 pm.
“Weren’t you here earlier?” asked Angela.
“Yup,” I said. “So if I can’t do much, that’s why.”
But I ended up having a second strong class in the same day. It felt awesome. It completed my 90-day challenge without using my loophole-day on the front end… and… it means I can continue my challenge. New goal: 100 classes in 100 days.
Ten more days… piffle.
*
And today, I spent the day with a group of writers learning about novel structure with Michael Hauge. I learned two things in particular that struck me, as they have to do with Real Life, as much as they do writing. He said that a character arc is the journey a character goes through from living in what he calls his Identity, to moving into his Essence.
I love this concept. Our identities make us feel safe and protected, even if they aren’t healthy. Our identities are who we really believe we are – even though it isn’t, not really – and this ignorance is key, which is disturbing to me because I like to think I’m a pretty self-aware person. But I guess that’s why they call them “blind spots.” If ya could see them, they’d just be called “spots.”
Example: in The Titanic, Rose starts out completely in her Identity as a kept woman, the unhappy fiancee constrained by a man who objectifies her and a mother who sees her as a meal ticket. She clings to this identity, this persona, this mask, so tightly that she’d rather pitch herself into the deep blue, than change. She sees no way out, although obviously, she could just tell her mother and Cal to shove off. But that wouldn’t be something her persona would do, so she can’t. But Jack sees something more in her, and helps her see it herself. He sees her Essence, and helps her gain the courage to embrace this part of herself.
Example: in Jerry Maguire, when Renee Zellweger’s character says about Jerry “I love him for the man he wants to be, for the man he almost is.” (Loosely paraphrased, don’t sue me if it’s a bit off.) She sees beneath the mask he’s constructed, to the Essence of him.
We love to watch characters go through this development from shallow to deeper, from someone who’s immature, afraid, insecure, wounded, and who wears a mask to protect the tremendous vulnerability he can’t even admit is there, and become something more, something better.
That constant tug-of-war between living in one’s identity and living in one’s essence is what inner conflict is all about. I think most of us get that. Super-scary.
“You can be safe and unfulfilled,” says Michael Hauge, “or you can be fulfilled and scared shitless.”
Here’s the message to both ourselves, and our characters: “You can have everything you long for, or need on one condition: you must give up your Identity and live in your Essence.”
Can I write characters like this? Oh, how I hope so.
But more than that, I want to live it.
So what does that look like for me, I wonder?
Day 87 & 88 Still Here, Still Me
Yes, yes already, those of you who’ve been virtually nudging me. I’m not dead or on the lam. I forgot, okay? I forgot to blog.
So here I am. Happy?
This might be an appropriate time to check in on the whole 90-Day Challenge thing. My goals, as you might recall, upon embarking on this endeavor, were lofty. Lose a bunch of weight, gain Gumby-like flexibility and a Buddhist-monk sort of serenity. Oh, and I wanted my hot flashes to disappear, too. And my depression/anxiety/chronic identity crises/general mental deterioration to magically lift. Maybe, if I worked really hard, I’d get a complete physical, mental and emotional makeover.
If you’re gonna dream, after all…
But here I am, 90 days later, pretty much the same person I was when I started. Not quite as dramatic as I was hoping. Here are a few more details:
Weight loss: negligible. (However, I’m eating like a horse, so it’s not really a fair assessment) I’m much more toned now, though, so I’m fitting into a smaller size of jeans. Still have the poochie-mommy-tummy but hey, I never expected miracles there. You know. Pie.
Flexibility: definite improvement here. I’ve got more mobility in my shoulders, that persistent knot in my neck is gone, my hamstrings are much looser and my hips don’t hurt anymore. Right now my lower back is sore, but I’ve been at my Iron Gardening again and I suspect that it would be a lot more sore, if it weren’t for the yoga.
Buddhist-monk serenity: um, yeah, about that. If I can still freak out at a sniffer, I’d say serenity is still in the “goal” column, as opposed to the “achieved” column.
Hot flashes: they’ve actually been better lately. Don’t know if it’s the yoga, cutting back on caffeine and alcohol, or the herbal supplements and progesterone cream. But I’m NOT CHANGING ANYTHING, just in case.
General mental disorder: meh, I’m still me, what can I say? The sun is shining now, which makes the whole world a better place. I do think the intense physical activity has had a good effect on my brain, you know, endorphins, serotonin, dopamine, etc. The discipline of sticking with A Hard Thing like this is good, makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I am happier now. Is it the yoga? Who can say. But sort of like the hot flashes, I don’t want to stop the yoga, just in case.
And having fallen into this daily chronicling of my yoga challenge has been excellent for my writing-muscles. Again, the discipline of jotting down something more-or-less coherent every day (I know, I KNOW, I missed a day. Can you just let it go??) forces my brain into channels that open up creativity, letting loose little nuggets that might have otherwise have been lost.
Believe it or not, this is fun for me. (Yup. I’m a riot at parties.)
So, I’ll be continuing on with the yoga, and the blogging. Don’t know if it’ll be quite as every-day-ish as it has been, or if it’ll be mostly musing about yoga.
I guess we’ll see. Stay tuned, readers. (And thanks for hanging in there with me – it means more than you know.)
Day 86 Say NO to Sniffing!
We had a sniffer in class today. You know the kind. We’re all lying in Savasana, waiting for the class to start. The silence in the room is broken only by the soft trickle of the humidifiers and the occasional rustle of people adjusting their mats.
Then… sniff, sniff. Snork, snert, sniff.
Pause.
Sniff-sniff-sniff. Rapid-fire. Like a Beagle on scent. Not a productive sort of sniff, which although grosser, at least one can understand. This was the unnecessary nervous-tic sort of sniff. Or maybe it was the type of sniff you do when there’s a dry booger way up high that’s driving you nuts, but it won’t dislodge by blowing, so you try to suck it back up into your brain instead.
Personally, I think it was an attention-getting sniff. A cry for help, if you will.
A damp towel applied firmly over mouth and nose for a few minutes, I thought. That would help.
I had to grip onto my inner peace with both fists, I tell you, because that’s the sort of thing to drive me right postal. I lifted my head to see if I could identify the culprit. (Why? What difference would it make? Would I really attack her with my towel? I have no answers…)
Snerkle-sniff.
Breathe-in. Breathe-out. Do not sit up and yell, “For God’s sake, get a tissue!”
What is it with people who do things like this? (The sniffer I mean, not me, the psycho-reactor.) Are they completely unaware of the fact that they are making the only – and certainly the most unpleasant – sound in the room? Are they deaf?
Perhaps I have nasal-mucous issues, I’m willing to admit the possibility. After all, I grew up blocking out the sound of my dad gargling on his own post-nasal drip, and still gag at the thought.
Sniff-sniff.
So, okay, maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the only one getting irritated. Big picture, let it go, don’t sweat the small sniffs…
Then the woman next to me let out an overly deep breath. And another one cleared her throat, rather deliberately.
Coincidence? Maybe. The class started then, effectively shutting down the sniffer, so we’ll never know.
But I choose to believe that I’m not alone with my sniff-issues.