Of All the Things I’ve Lost…

… I miss my mind the most.

I don’t know where the joke originated, but I can relate.

Although for me, it’s not my mind, it’s my glasses. Yup, I lost my glasses this morning. (Losing my mind came later.)

Anyone who wears glasses understands the conundrum. How do you look for your glasses when you can’t see to search, because you LOST YOUR GLASSES??

In fact, I have more than one pair, so it wasn’t quite that traumatic. But still, they were my favourite, newest ones, my Juicy Couture frames in a nice cranberry colour. The ones that make me look like Lorraine Bracco.

And seriously. They’re either on my nose, my dresser or my night table. Maybe the bathroom counter. Possibly my car. But that’s it. How far can they go?

My girls gave me that “here she goes again” look when I asked them this morning if they’d seen them. I don’t misplace things as often as I probably should, given my rather loosely organized lifestyle. But it makes me absolutely batcrap crazy when I do. It’s all I can think about.

Why aren’t they where they should be? Why? WHY? Where are they hiding? Where? WHERE??? Am I going blind?? Am I insane?? (This is where my mind started to go.)

Is someone gaslighting me?? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME THAT I CAN’T FIND THEM?

They must be in one of the usual spots, right? So I look AGAIN on the bathroom counter, the night-table, the dresser. My car. My office. The laundry room. The kitchen. Nope, nope, no, no, of course not, why are you even looking there??

Then an awful thought dawned on me.

I sometimes set them on the bed before I do my nightly sit-ups.

Quickly I patted down the comforter and the quilt. The usual creases and bumps were there, but nothing resembling crumpled stylish plastic in a flattering cranberry shade. But my spidey senses were tingling.

I slid my hand down between the mattress and the footboard, and voila! there they were, in all their stylish glory, miraculously unharmed and uncrumpled. Instantly I tossed aside my older, unfavourite glasses and put the Juicys back home where they belonged, grateful for the return of both glasses and sanity. (And of course my perfectly composed Dr. Melfy look.)

From now on, they’re either on my nose or the dresser. That’s it.

Maybe the night-table.

Possibly the bathroom counter.

But that’s IT.