Day 50 What Do You REALLY Want?

There’s an old folk tale about a woman who is cursed to be a hideous crone by day, but beautiful by night. There’s all sorts of stuff in this story: knights, kings, peasants, a peasant who gets raped by a knight, but I can’t remember how all that goes and you don’t really care, do you?

Anyhoo. Somehow or other, rapist-knight is sentenced by the king to wander the country asking the question: “What do women want?” Which has a lot of merit, as a sentence, don’t you think? He gets all sorts of answers: beauty, riches, men, men who put the outhouse lids down, rich men who put the outhouse lids down. But when he meets the hideous crone, she tells him the true answer:

“Sovereignty.”

It’s a big word. I had to look it up. Today, we’d say something like “autonomy” which is basically the ability to run your own life. Independence. Decision-making ability.

Leap forward in the story. Rapist-knight marries hideous crone (I forget how this particular merger was arranged, because I can’t see either of them working up much enthusiasm) and is given the ability to partly change her curse. It can stay as is, leaving her fugly by day but hot at night – which would work for him – or she can be fugly at night, but hot by day. This would probably further her career as a public servant, plus he’d get some arm-candy at knight events, but at home, he’d still be handing her a bag for her head. Hm. Which is better for him? Which is better for her?

But hurray! Rapist-knight has learned his lesson. He humbly says he can’t make such a decision. It’s up to his wife. It’s her life, after all. And poof! Instantly, the spell is broken! Hideous crone becomes beautiful woman, day and night, permanently. (I assume rapist-knight has by now been totally reformed into a fine, upstanding family man as well.) Butterflies. Rainbows. Happily ever after.

Although I’ve butchered this story pretty thoroughly, what I like about it is that, at its core, it’s about each of us being the master of our own destiny, the star of our own show, the main character in the story of our life.

A wise therapist told me once, long ago, that “it’s more important to know what you want, than it is to get what you want.” And underneath everything, what we want most of all is to have the power to choose, for ourselves, what is best for us.

As I continue my midlife quest to redefine myself, I come back to the questions I posed here, with permission from Seth Eisenberg of the PAIRS Foundation.

1. What do I want that I am not getting?
2. What am I getting that I don’t want?
3. What am I giving that I don’t want to give?
4. What would I like to give to you if only things were better between us?
5. What am I getting that I do want?

I think the answer, for all of us, is autonomy, just like the loathly lady said. We want the power to live the lives we’ve chosen, with the people we love, doing the things that we believe in and find meaningful. Yet we often slip into days and weeks and years of obligation, going through the motions because someone else wants us to, or it’s expected of us, instead of following our own passions.

I think that, in intimate relationships, the biggest challenge is to remain a whole person, in your own right, while still being half of a couple.

So, what are you waiting for? What do you want?